No Ifs, Ands, or Monkey Butts...Real Solutions for the Pain in Your Ass

Most folks are uncomfortable talking about their bums.  I’ve ridden with a lot of people and not one them has ever started a conversation with me about how sweaty and scalded their butt gets on a long ride.  I suppose it’s not the most appropriate topic of discussion while dining. Nevertheless, if we’re being honest, it is a problem most motorcycles riders have experienced at one time or another.

These Monkey Butts...Just Look Painful

I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve experienced monkey butt on a few occasions.  Most notably on Iron Butt rides when I’m in the saddle for extended periods…and on shorter rides when the temperature starts to climb.  On long rides especially, it can become so uncomfortable that I can barely stay in the saddle.  After my Saddlesore 2000 (2000 miles in less than 48 hours) in May, I told myself I had to find something to “fix” the problem.
 

While I may not have found the ultimate “fix”, I have found a couple of products and learned a few things that have helped tremendously…maybe they’ll help you too.

A Soft Saddle Is Not Your Friend

A soft and cushy saddle provides less contact area for your butt and doesn’t distribute your weight evenly causing increased pressure on your sitz bones (ischial tuberosities).   This increased pressure translates to an uncomfortable and painful ride.  A firmer saddle will provide more contact area and distribute your weight

Ischial Tuberosities (see blue dots)

more evenly allowing you to stay in the saddle longer without pain. 

I’ve ridden more than 20K miles on a Corbin Dual Tour and I can say without hesitation, the firmer saddle is more comfortable and less painful than my stock seat.  Unfortunately, a firmer saddle in and of itself won’t prevent monkey butt...but it will provide a good foundation to start from.

Moisture Is The Enemy

 A major causal factor for monkey butt is moisture in the form of perspiration.  With little-to-no air circulation your butt basically marinates in your own sweat (I know it’s not pretty).  The longer your sit in this marinade, the more irritated and tender your backside becomes.  The key to preventing this culinary nightmare (i.e. monkey butt) is to minimize moisture.

Spays and Powders

Sprays and Powders Absorb Moisture

Spays and powders are especially useful when the temperature and humidity are high.  Most talcum-based powders and spays will help by reducing friction and absorbing moisture.  Although I haven’t personally tried it, one such powder is Anti Monkey Butt Powder.  Anti-Monkey Butt Powder has received good reviews from other bikers and is available at Wal-Mart, Walgreens, and H.E.B (if you live in Texas).  The main drawback of powders is they can be messy and if you use too much you might leave powdery butt prints wherever you sit. 

I didn’t like the idea of potentially leaving “evidence” behind so I tried Gold BondClassic Powder Spray.  Overall, the Gold Bond Spray did a good job of keeping me dry and I would recommend it.  However, be forewarned, the Classic has menthol and the burning sensation it caused in my nether regions wasn’t pleasant...in fact, it gave the Jerry Lee song, “Great Balls of Fire” a whole new meaning. If you’re into that sort of thing, use the Classic; otherwise, go with the Gold Bond Fresh Powder Spray. Gold Bond products are available at Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, and a whole host of other retail establishments.

Wicking Fabrics

Another tool to minimize moisture is wicking fabrics. These fabrics help control moisture by drawing it away from your skin so that it can evaporate more quickly.  In the past, I’ve worn UnderArmor as it’s one of the better-known “performance” fabrics.  In cooler weather and on shorter rides, Under Armor works well and will help keep you dry.  However, on longer rides where you spend a lot of time in the saddle and when the temperatures start to rise, Under Armor doesn’t wick the moisture away fast enough…and eventually it becomes saturated.  Once saturated, it effectively losses it wicking properties.

LD Comfort

After reading numerous positive reviews posted by other long distance riders, I purchased a pair of LD Comfort underwear.  These underwear have a few unique features and have proven themselves in the Texas heat.  Unlike Under Armor, LD Comfort underwear is comprised of two-layers.  The inner layer stays dry while transferring the moisture to the outer layer where it has more time to dry through evaporation.   LD Comfort underwear also have a “roo-fly” (think kangaroo pouch) that makes pit stops much easier and more efficient.  Although they were a little pricey at $45 + $9 shipping/handling, they do work and I can understand why so many Iron Butt Rally participants sing their praises.  At some point, riding comfort becomes priceless.

One note of caution when it comes to mixing sprays/powders and wicking garments.  Don’t think like I did that using both the Gold Bond Spray and wearing LD Comfort underwear will result in a drier ride.  As the spray powder absorbs moisture it clogs-up the wicking material and negates its benefits…making it feel like you’ve got a tropical rain forest in your pants.  When wearing wicking underwear, spays and powders can make things worse.  Don’t do it.

Look For Improved Airflow

If moisture is the enemy when it comes to monkey butt, improved airflow just might be your best friend.  You’d think air flow would never be a problem on a motorcycle.  Except in this case, you’re sitting on your butt and there’s no space for air to travel between your pants and the saddle.  It seems logical that improved airflow when combined with wicking underwear or the use of spray/powder would increase the rate of evaporation and result in a drier and maybe even cooler ride.

BeadRider

While there are several products on the market that help improve airflow, several of my riding buddies say Bead Rider in one of the best.  I’ve ordered one and can’t wait to try it out.  The Bead Rider elevates you approximately a half inch, allowing air to pass between your butt and the seat.  You sit on a woven pattern of wooden or ceramic beads.  The company says, the Bead Rider improves airflow, helps to distribute your weight over a larger area, and keeps your butt from getting wet when it rains…all of which should help prevent monkey butt.

No Two Butts Alike

Preventing or minimizing monkey butt requires some trial and error.  What works for one may not work for another.  However, by using the information provided here you should be able to determine the best solution for you.  Remember, minimize/eliminate moisture with wicking fabrics or powders and spays, improve the airflow to your backside to aid in evaporation, and find a saddle that distributes your weight evenly.  When all these things come together properly, monkey butt will no longer be a pain your ass.

If you found this post to be useful and/or mildly entertaining, please share it…and as always, Live Free. RideHard. Be Happy!

SaddleSore 2000 Ride Report: The First 24 Hours - Texas to Kentucky (1086 miles)

I was anxious as I checked the bike over one last time before donning my chaps, jacket, reflective vest, helmet, and gloves.  The time for planning and preparing was over.  It was time to ride and ride hard.  I kissed my wife, told her I’d be careful then eased back on the throttle, and pulled out of the garage to clear skies and bright stars.  At 12:50 a.m., my 2000-mile 48-hour Iron Butt adventure was officially underway.

Sunrise in Sulphur Springs, Texas

I stopped at a station about 3 miles from home to top off my tank and get a time/date stamped business receipt to document my start, then made my way to the Interstate.  Unlike most of the day, I-35 was almost empty.  It was as if I had the entire Interstate to myself. I enjoyed the quiet solitude and cool fresh air.  As I neared Austin, traffic began to pick-up and I was surprised at how many cars were on the road at 1:40 in the morning.  I was on high alert for drunk drivers as I made my way through downtown Austin.  My mom always said, “nothing good ever happens after midnight” so I imagined there were a few cars being driven by folks that may have partied a little too hard.  I kept my distance just in case.

Traffic thinned out after passing through Georgetown and I was once again alone.  There’s something peaceful yet slightly unsettling about riding the freeway at night.  I enjoyed the stillness, but was on edge thinking about animals lurking just outside the reach of my high beams.  I was torn between taking advantage of the open road and making the best time possible and riding more conservatively.  My fear of an undesired animal encounter won out and I kept my speed down accordingly. 

Somewhere between Austin and Temple, I realized I was getting cold.  Prolonged exposure to the cool air was having a chilling effect and was beginning to make me uncomfortable.  I kicked myself for not wearing an additional layer but was thankful I had packed my heated jacket liner.  I wouldn’t be cold for long.  I pulled into the Smart Stop in Waco at 3:37 a.m., right on schedule.  I got gas, completed my log entry, and put my heated liner on under my leather jacket.  I was back on the road in less than 15 minutes.

My heated liner kept me toasty warm as I made my way through Dallas and beyond.  I felt good.  As the sky began to lighten, I was overcome by a sense of reverence.  I thanked God for the opportunity to experience the ride and for the promise of a new day.  No matter how dark the night, we can always take comfort in knowing the sun will rise to light our way.  Within minutes of my 6:26 a.m. fuel stop in Sulphur Springs the sun fully broke the horizon…it was glorious.  With a renewed spirit, I twisted the throttle hard for my final push out of Texas.

The sign at the Arkansas state line was a welcome sight.  There’s something mentally refreshing about
entering a new state. You feel closer to your destination and it gives you a boost of energy.  Unfortunately, my exuberance didn’t last long.  Shortly after stopping in Prescott for gas, the state rolled out the real “Welcome to Arkansas” sign--road construction ahead.  Mile-after-mile of one-lane only, time-killing construction.   I thought I was in purgatory as I crept along in a line of traffic moving 55-60 miles per hour.  I was on the clock and needed to average at least 63 mph to complete the ride on time. After what seemed like an eternity, the road opened up and I pressed hard to get through Little Rock and on to Wheatley as quickly as possible.

Arkansas Road Construction

I pulled into the MAPCO in Wheatly at 11:20 a.m., 35 minutes ahead of my planned arrival time.  I was pleased with my time but starting to feel the effects of the last 650 miles.  The backsides of my legs where they contact the saddle were starting to get a little tender. It was time to take a break.  I gassed-up, completed my log, pulled a Gatorade out of the cooler in my large Viking Bag, and went inside for something to eat.  They had a nice variety of everything, as long as it was chicken.  I ordered two chicken strips and two biscuits.  I must have been hungry because I thought they were the best chicken strips I ever tasted.  After an extended 45+ minute break, I felt rejuvenated.  I geared-up and pressed toward my next stop, Jackson Tennessee.

Sadly, Arkansas wasn’t finished with me.  Shortly after leaving Wheatley, the entire eastbound side of I-40 was shut down with one lane of traffic being diverted to the westbound side.  For almost two miles, traffic inched along before folks fully made the transition and began moving at 50-55 miles per hour.  The construction zone ended about 15 miles east of Memphis.  I twisted the throttle to make-up some time.  I was going 70-75 when I hit a poorly filled pothole and my cell phone popped out of its RAM mount on my left handlebar.  I watched in terror as it fell behind me.

My first thought was “my phone is gone and I need to keep going”, but my second thought was “what if I find it and it still works”.  Being the eternal optimist, I pulled over as quickly as I could and began my walk of shame.  I had no idea exactly where it fell off and wasn’t sure that it might not have been run over by an 18-wheeler.  I kept walking.  After what seemed like a quarter mile, I was ready to give up but at that moment saw it lying screen down on the shoulder. I picked it up. The screen was shattered and its body was mangled.  I had little hope that it would still work but gently pressed the home button.  To my amazement, the screen lit up and everything appeared to work.  Hallelujah!  I made my way back to the bike, put the phone back in the RAM mount, double checked to see if it was secure, and merged back onto the Interstate.

Finally, I'm leaving Arkansas!

The Mississippi River and Memphis were a welcomed sight.  Arkansas hadn’t been very nice to me and I was happy to see it in my rear view mirror.  Traffic in Memphis was light and I quickly made my way through the city.  I was a little distraught when I heard a woman’s voice in my helmet say, “low battery, goodbye”. With my nether regions becoming more tender with each passing hour, I couldn’t imagine five more hours on the road without some form of entertainment to distract me. Not to mention what my wife would start to think when her calls went to voicemail.  Although I didn’t want to lose any saddle time, I decided I’d look for a micro-USB/USB cable in Jackson so I could run power to my Bluetooth headset.

After about an hour and a half of silence, which really wasn’t bad, I lucked upon a Wal-Mart just off the Interstate in Jackson.  Getting in and out of the parking lot took forever but I found what I needed and reestablished my communications and entertainment capability.  I rode another five miles up the Interstate to my designated fuel stop and filled-up. Even after searching for my phone and my Wal-Mart detour, I was about 5 minutes ahead of my plan.  I was thankful I had been able to run 70-75 miles an hour for most of the trip. Barring any additional delays, I calculated I’d get to my dad’s by nightfall.

Although there was some road construction and moderate traffic, my ride from Jackson through Nashville was uneventful.  I was able to maintain a good speed and the weather was perfect.  As I rode through Nashville, I remembered at one time there was an Oscar Mayer plant just off I-65.  I watched for it but never saw it.  I guess it has long since closed but thinking about it put a smile on my face as I sang the Oscar Mayer Bologna song from my childhood.  I’m glad I have a full-face helmet, otherwise people would’ve thought I was crazy.

Shadow Rider

I crossed the Kentucky state line at approximately 5:35 p.m. with a renewed sense of energy.  It felt good knowing that I only had a couple of hours left on the bike.  It had become almost impossible to find a comfortable spot to sit in the saddle or place my feet on the pegs.  I was happy to take a short fuel break in Franklin.  I stretched and ate a little jerky after filling my tank.  After drinking a quick bottle of Gatorade, I mounted the bike and rode knowing my next stop would be it for the night.

Making my way up I-65 I couldn’t help but be impressed by the green pastures and smell of fresh air. 
Kentucky is a scenic place and the ride to Louisville was proving to be quite enjoyable.  As the sun moved lower on the horizon, it was peaceful watching the landscape change colors and the shadows come out to play.  I snapped several photos of the shadow rider riding next to me.  Shortly after crossing into the Eastern Time zone, I called my dad to discuss dinner plans.  He told me dinner was waiting for me.  I pulled into my dad’s driveway just as the last bit of daylight was consumed by darkness. I pulled into the garage and slowly got off the bike.  It had been a long day.  I covered 1086 miles 18 hours and 55 minutes. In just about 9 hours I’d be doing it all over again.  It was time to eat and go to bed...

It fell off the bike at 70 mph and still works!

Riding with the shadows in Kentucky

Who is this guy and why is he following me?

Changing landscape as sun goes down

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Rider Resources
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Coming Soon…Saddlesore 2000 Ride Report: The Long Ride Home – Kentucky to Texas (1086 miles).

One Last Ride

What would you do if you could ride only one more time?  I imagine many have never given it a single thought.  I know I hadn’t.  Thinking about our own mortality is difficult.  We think we’re invincible and that tomorrow will always bring another day. But the cold-hard truth is, we aren’t invincible.  Eventually time catches us all.

If you knew, you had only one more day, one more week, one more month to live, what would you do?   Whatever it is, I hope you do it with the same courage, tenacity, and spirit as a Long Distance Rider named, Jeff Parker.  I never met Jeff but what he wrote about his USA Four Corners Tour on the LDRider List profoundly touched my heart. 

On Saturday, November 30^th, Jeff wrote:

“I have returned from my four corners ride. I'm sorry that I have not posted updates as I promised, but I have been very ill. Leaving the northeast, I started to feel very ill. I made it to Florida, and spent a week there, just recuperating, or trying to anyhow. I ended up being admitted to the hospital where several tests revealed that my cancer had spread. No surprise there. I was told by my doctors that I should be connected with hospice, if I so desired, so I could rest comfortably, and that there was nothing else left for them to do.

Hospice wasn't an option at the time, and while the doctors may have had nothing left to do, I sure as hell did! I had to ride to San Ysidro, CA to finish my four corners ride! The doctors advised me that I should not ride a motorcycle, because that would be hard on my health. Knowing I was dying of pancreatic cancer, I asked myself how much harder on my health could riding a motorcycle really be? So against medical advice, I departed and headed to the Florida Keys, then westbound.

I rode only 50 miles some days, and 500 miles on other days, depending how I felt. I made it to Texas, and felt reasonably ok. Reaching New Mexico, I started to feel just awful. I spent two days there trying to get well, and just couldn't. I powered through and rode to Arizona, where I again rested two days. I was done. I knew I was no longer able to ride; I wasn't safe any longer. The pain was intense. My mental alertness was gone, as pain is all that I could tune into. So close to finishing my four corners ride, yet unable to do so. What am I to do? I picked up my BMW MOA anonymous book and called a few people, and invited them to coffee. I explained my plight, and humbly asked if any of them would be willing to ride two up on my bike, me on the back, and ride me to San Ysedro so I could finish my four corners ride? They all were delighted to, and the schedule worked for one of them.

We left for our ride, and seven hours later, arrived in San Ysedro. Since I didnt do all of the riding, I am not sure if it truly counts as a four corners ride, but in my mind it does. I had the time of my life! I made it! I bought Daniel an airline ticket home, hugged him good bye, said thank you, and off he went. Thank you Daniel, for making my dream come true.

I am now enrolled with hospice and am comfortable. Should I not have the opportunity to write here again, I bid all farewell, and will be watching you from above. Ride on folks, ride on!”

Jeff’s words struck a chord. Through unthinkable challenges and pain, Jeff’s love of riding kept him going.  Even after realizing he could no longer pilot his bike safely, he found a way to reach his goal.  His determination and grit allowed him to complete an epic ride around the US and realize a dream.   Jeff never gave-up.  

One of the lessons I took from Jeff’s experience is to live more in the moment, to enjoy the here and now, and to make every ride an epic ride regardless of its length.  We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, so we need to make the most of today. At its core that’s what living free and riding hard is all about. I’m grateful to Jeff for helping me see things more clearly and motivating me to think about my “last” ride.  I hope he motivated you as well.

Prologue

Sadly, on Tuesday, December 3^rd, Jeff Parker lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.  I’d like to believe Jeff is riding hard in heaven and smiling on all who share his love and passion for motorcycling. Ride on Jeff, ride on!

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Learn more about the USA Four Corners Tour

Learn more about the LDRidersList

It’s Official…My Iron Butt Bun Burner 1500 Has Been Certified

I was surprised when I checked my mailbox yesterday and found a big envelope from the Iron Butt Association (IBA).  I wasn’t expecting anything from them for at least another month, so you can imagine how excited I was (or maybe you can’t).  Well, I was more excited than a malnourished tick on a large longhaired dog.  I thought I’d hit the mother lode!   I surgically cut through the envelope taking care not to harm the contents and then eagerly removed the letter, certificate, pin, and stickers.  My wait was over after six short weeks. 

When I submitted my ride documentation to the IBA in October I’d been told it could take three-months to process.  The IBA thoroughly reviews all submitted documentation to verify your ride.  If something in your documentation package doesn’t add up, then your ride doesn’t get certified.  It’s that simple.  The IBA keeps long distance riders honest and in doing so builds credibility within the long distance riding community. If a ride is certified by the IBA, you can be sure the rider met the qualifications and isn’t just telling a fish story. 

 At first glance, the documentation requirements for the Iron Butt SaddleSore 1000 and Bun Burner 1500 seem a bit daunting but when broken down they’re not that bad.  The key to documenting your Iron Butt ride is good organization.  You’ll need signed witness forms for the start and end of the ride, a log of all of your stops, a copy of your gas receipts with good date/time stamps, and a map that shows your actual route with all stops annotated.  I built a documentation package template for my Bun Burner 1500 ride that helped me stay organized and ensured that I didn’t forget something important.  Here’s a pdf version of the documentation package I submitted to the IBA, feel free to use it as an example.

With two IBA certified rides complete, I’m thinking I’ll do either a SaddleSore 2000 (2000 miles in 48 hours) or a Bun Burner Gold (1500 miles in 24 hours) next.  I’m leaning towards the SaddleSore 2000 because I can do an all Interstate route between Garden Ridge, TX and Louisville, KY…and get in a quick visit with my Dad.  I’m sure the 2170 mile roundtrip journey will be a challenge but I think I’m up for it.   Some might think I’m crazy, but I don’t.  What’s more crazy?  Living your life with regret over things you never did, or looking back and saying, “Damn, I did that!”  Life is for living and I want to Live Free and Ride Hard! 

I’ll keep you posted on my ride planning progress...